Talking About Depression

Hi! It's almost the end of March, eh? Life should have been better for me this year, but apparently it's not. I've been thrown by countless shits already. Well, who says life won't throw shit at you? Hmm, this past three months I've been struggling a lot on my self. Getting over the depression? The heartbreak? Well, it took longer than I expected. Though, I'm pretty much okay at the moment.

Well well talking about depression. Now that I'm currently at the psychiatry department I think it's a good thing to share things about this matter. Here are the symptoms that you should be aware of this condition. Cited from the DSM - V, the diagnostic criteria of Major Depressive Disorder:

• Five (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2 week period and represent a change from present previous functioning; at least one of the symptoms is either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure.
1. Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by subjective (i.e., feels sad, empty, or hopeless) or observation made by others (i.e., appears tearful).
2. Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day
3. Significant weight loss or weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.
4. Insomnia or hypersomnianearly every day.
5. Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day.
6. Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.
7. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive inappropriate guilt nearly every day.
8. Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day.
9. Recurrent thoughts of death (suicide attempt)

• The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other area of fuctioning.
• The episode is not attributable to the physiological affects or a substance or another medical condition.
• The occurrence of the disorder is not better explained by other psychotic disorder.
• There has never been a manic episode or hipomanic episode

I hope it's quite clear, but if not let me help you to understand how the disorder is through my own experience. Well, it's actually embarrassing. Totally. But, almost like two months I had some of the symptoms above because of my problem with my so-called-ex. Damn! It's disgusting. But, pretty much lots of people in the world may experience this episode for some times.

During my episode, I actually felt kinda sad like everyday. I cried every night. Well, every time I'm left alone. The sadness just crept inside. I didn't find any interest in anything I usually enjoy (e.g., running, doing sports, reading, singing). I lost so much weight because I didn't have any appetite at that time. I hardly had enough sleep. I began to sleep at 2 am, woke at 5 am and couldn't get back to sleep. I didn't have the energy during the day. I felt completely worthless. Seriously, it tortured me. I couldn't concentrate well. Fortunately, there has never been a single time of suicidal thought occured in my mind. Thank God. It completely messed up with my study at internal and pediatric departments. So, those are the symptoms happened to me. Seven out of nine. Quite gruesome, eh?

Some people still have a misunderstanding about this condition by saying stuff like, "I'm depressed!" over something or condition that's not real. I mean, depression is far worse than you can imagine. It feels like you're being suffocated in a dark matter. It's too much you just feel like drowning even deeper and deeper. Well, can't explain much. To overcome this condition I worked hard. So hard. I've been struggling by my self. I didn't really talk about my condition seriously to anyone until today.

When I had a long phone conversation with my dad. Almost about an hour. We talked so many things until I reached the point to this. Well, to be honest it's been months already and I had the severe condition (as I stated above) for almost 2 months. I was helped by friends here. I was accompanied, not being left alone, was asked to join classes at the gym, made covers of songs and so many other thing. Until I reached the point where I was okay being left alone without crying or being sad by my self. I got stronger through times though it seemed longer than I expected.

The thing is I still have some of the symptoms, although they aren't as many as before. I no longer have the depressed mood, but I still lose my interest in getting back to running (I don't know why, but running doesn't seem as exciting as before). Running was life to me. I was a running-freak to be honest, what frustrates me is I am not as passionate as I used to be. I started gaining weight. I have a very high appetite these days. Really. I can eat more than I could usually do.

I think my sleeping problem is way better. I am easily getting asleep and I don't have any bad dreams or insomnia anymore. I sometimes still feel like I don't have any energy, but I force my self to take classes at the gym. I start to love zumba by the way LOL. What's frustrating me the most is I lost purposes in life. That's what I'm struggling at the moment. I was the type of person who live to achieve all the goals I made for 22 years. Suddenly, for the past 6 months I don't have any goals. I don't feel passionate at all.

What saddened me the most is I no longer pray like I used to. It feels like there's nothing to pray about. And it kills me. I've tried one day two days and that's it. I just don't do it as usual. I'm trying to get back up again. I hope it won't be long. It's gonna be Easter day next month. I hope through His sacrifice, I will find my self again and really get over this. I'm trying little by little to find my passion again. After all, what's a human being without passion?

Pray for me, would you?

God bless xx