Oh hello again! It's been awhile, eh? How are you?
So right, I'm coming back because apparently I don't have any particular activities to do. I've been spending my days inside my room due to lack of schedule and outdoor activities. Oh ya, I hope you're doing great (whoever happens to crash into this article).
My life has been such a waste these past few weeks. Well, it's not that I don't have anything to do. I do have some things in mind actually, I just am so good in procrastinating. It's just my thing, my true capability. So yeah, you might be wondering "wazup bro?" Well well, lately I've been worrying about lots of things. Truthfully I am so nervous to wait for the outcome of my national exam (the-so-called UKMPPD). It's a getaway exam before finally becoming a doctor. I'm not really sure that I did really good, but I had tried my very best. I just pray that I'm gonna pass it (both CBT and OSCE). Oh God! Remembering the date of the announcement just makes me sick all of a sudden. Please please let me pass the exam! O Lord.
So apart from the result, I've also been wondering as well about what I am gonna do after this whole end of my professional study. I don't know exactly where I am going. I don't know who I am gonna settled down with someday. I don't know whether I'm gonna have a job or not. I don't know if I'm gonna make a pretty much good salary. Will it be enough? Will I buy a home on my own? Am I gonna be a mum someday? I don't know. I don't have a clue. And sometimes it just freaks me out. Not knowing your future is terrifying for some reasons. There are lots of "what ifs" swirling inside my mind. What if I were gonna disappoint everybody? Including myself. What if I wouldn't find someone who would love me for who I am? What if I lived alone for the rest of my life? What if... What if...
Dang it! So many negativity, ugh. My bestest friend in the whole world has finally found someone (I guess, she doesn't wanna tell me for whatever reasons she has). Damn, lately she's been so secretive. And I'm here, almost turning 24 in two months, still single and being bullied for being left countless of times by guys (well, the last two actually). I don't know what's wrong with my life. I kept on screwing up. I hate myself for being not so good in the past two years. I was such a nagger. I was so clueless about what I did. I didn't manage to pass my co-ass life gloriously. I hate myself. I have so many regrets. Well I guess everyone has their own baggages, eh?
I'm currently living in regrets of my past and fear of my future. I did so many mistakes back then. I think I'd disappointed my parents. I hadn't been my true self in the last two years (I guess). I don't know why I did stupid things. I've been a disappointment to every one, especially my self. Oh God, how I super hate my self right now!
Alright, this post is super depressing. I know. Guess I'm being so pathetic all day over a news from a dear friend, saying that "he" was going to be married soon. Somehow, it threw me a lot of flashbacks of failures I had in the past two years.
God, please help me! WKWKWKWKWKWK I'm being ridiculous right now. Okay, guess enough for the raving right now. Pray that I'm gonna have a good news next Saturday. Wish me luck! :')
Love,
Vashti
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